It’s Hard to Hate Your Best Friend

All couples disagree from time to time. Some couples argue so frequently that the anger disconnects them from each other. One day, they've forgotten what they love about each other--or even that they love each other!

John Gottman, Ph.D. says that most of the issues we argue about can’t be resolved. He calls these "perpetual" issues. If we spend our time fighting about those issues, we’ve spent a lot of negative interaction time together, haven’t we? We need positive interaction time to outweigh and get us through the negative time. 

Positive interactions build up our "emotional bank account." This reserve gets us through the rough patches in our relationship.

Gottman claims that couples need to focus on resolvable issues. Additionally, couples who build fondness and admiration develop a resiliency that helps the marriage endure.

Here are some questions you can ask about your relationship. Who is your best friend and what are your expectations of that relationship? Can you tell your best friend anything? Does your best friend “have your back”? Is your best friend honest? Would your best friend betray you? Does your best friend respect your feelings…your opinions…your needs? Would your best friend stand by you, through thick and thin?

Do you limit the information you tell your best friend? Maybe you withhold information when you know your best friend will be upset with you? If what you did affected your best friend, would you tell your best friend? Would you apologize for hurting him/her? Would you try to earn his or her forgiveness?

What kind of best friend are you? Are you non-judgmental—do you allow your best friend to be who he/she is? Do you always tell the truth? Do you make excuses for your actions? Can you admit that you’re wrong and apologize for hurting someone? Do you hide anything? Are the behaviors you choose consistent? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?

By building a strong friendship with your partner, you will find that respect comes easier. You can accept differences of opinion. Hopefully, you are secure enough to realize that you can't always have your way. You can bend and flex within the relationship. Your positive feelings can outweigh the differences.

Your best friend and you have common values, shared memories and common goals. You have fun together, and you want to continue having fun! You know each other well, and you respect each other. When all is said and done, it's hard to hate your best friend, and therein lies one of the traits needed for a lasting union.

 We’d love to hear your point of view! We can leave out your name too; just tell us to do that! Feel free to share your experiences, thoughts and opinions. Thanks!!