"You're Right Dear"

My husband is a genius! Although we've been married only five years, we've survived many, many obstacles in that short time. None of these obstacles resulted from any problem in our marriage. The obstacles were created by external sources and things beyond our control (e.g., a knee replacement that was infected for two years).

I had a calm, peaceful, stable life until I married my husband. I was unaccustomed to dealing with drama in my personal life. He's got ex-wives, kids, and the debt that comes with divorce. Life was simple for me before marriage. I think this isn't uncommon in later marriages. Would I have baled out were my husband not a relationship genius? Who knows, but clearly he had practical experience that really helped!

Over the years, he has learned a technique which he has used in our marriage. This has enabled us to survive--even the two months when he had no knee and a PICC line! Whenever the drama was high, I would begin to say what "should" happen and why. My husband would invariably say, "You're right dear." Many times my critique of a situation pertained to his choices and behavior in the situation. He could have become very defensive; he could have felt attacked. Instead, he said, "You're right dear."

Those three little words told me in an instant that he respected, valued, cherished, and loved me. Each time my husband supports me he makes a deposit into our emotional bank account. These deposits have enabled us to survive the challenges we've experienced. He gives me confidence to believe we can survive anything.

John Gottman, who has conducted research on couples since 1972, calls my husband's skill "Accepting Your Partner's Influence." When your spouse and you are lost on a road trip and your spouse asks you to pull over and get directions, you accept her influence by saying, "Good idea, dear. Let me go into that store and ask for directions."

Gottman points out in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that our culture supports girls in developing the behaviors that foster relationships. We don't focus on these pro-social skills as strongly for boys.

In other words, women find it easier to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for those mistakes. We've learned that this capability furthers our connection in relationships. Men have learned that admitting a mistake gives the opponent the upper hand; taking responsibility shows guilt. The man might feel bad about himself by admitting that he's screwed up.

A few years ago, I taught a sociology class on marriage and the family. The textbook for the class reviewed current research on marriage and the family. I can sum up some of the research very easily by saying, "If mama ain't happy; ain't nobody's happy!"

Maybe you can take a moment to think about your relationship. If you're a man, think about those times when your marriage was strained (or downright rocky). What was the cause? If you're a woman, think about those times when you were resentful, stressed, unhappy. Would you say that your marriage struggled at those times?


Men: you can do exactly what my husband does. You can enable your wife to feel supported, loved, valued, respected, cherished. What issue is more important than your marriage? What issue is more important than enabling your wife to know in her heart of hearts that you cherish her and support her?

Does this mean that husbands have to suppress their own needs and desires? I don't believe so. Let's say that you want to go out with the guys each Wednesday night and your wife is having none of it. What might be her reasoning? "I don't get to go out every week with my girlfriends!" or, "I don't get to see you enough as it is!" or, "when you go out, you drink, and I don't want you to be in an accident!" Please note: in this example (which I've heard two or three times from different couples) the husband does not have a substance abuse problem.

Your response might be something like, "You're right dear. I do drink when I go out with the guys. If you're this concerned about my drinking, maybe I need to take a second look at my behavior. Maybe I don't need to drink or maybe I should arrange for a designated driver so that I don't break the law or hurt someone. I know you love me, and this is why you're upset. I love you too, and I don't want our future jeopardized by a DUI or by hurting anyone with my vehicle.

"I guess I don't believe that one or two beers over the course of an evening will hurt anyone, but just because I don't believe I'll hurt anyone doesn't mean an accident can't happen. I'm smart enough to know this. Just the same, I'd like to see the guys. I'd feel like an old married guy if I couldn't go out to the bar with them, and I want to feel young. I'm not ready to be old and settled down. Maybe we can talk more about this."

This response avoids an argument.The husband doesn't react  to his wife's objections. Talking enables them to focus on the real issue.

When you accept your partner's influence, you also make a deposit to the marriage's emotional bank account. You're building positive feelings that can help now and later. Your spouse feels valued, understood, loved, and cherished. She feels connected to you, and you've accomplished all that with three little words, "You're right dear."