The willow tree can bend and flex without breaking. It recovers from strong winds, and adapts to conditions. A strong relationship can bend and flex too because it offers "emotional safety". When your relationship offers emotional safety, you can say what you think--in a respectful way, of course--and your partner will listen. Your partner will accept what you say because you've respectfully stated your point of view, or your feelings, or your needs.
Emotional safety doesn't require your partner to agree with or even understand what you're saying. "I hear you" isn't the same as "I agree with you", right?
Your partner might say, "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure I understand. I would really like to understand because I can tell that (what you're saying) is important to you." When your partner values and cherishes you, your partner accepts your feelings, thoughts and needs. You are important, after all!
Some of us have grown up in families which didn't accept our feelings, thoughts or needs. "You're not angry," the parent might have said; or "I'll give you something to be angry about!"
"You do not think that" or "that's stupid" might be statements you heard from your parents. Maybe your parents discounted your needs by saying something like, "When I was a kid..."
We've learned a great deal about what works and what doesn't work when it comes to parenting. Although your parents may not have had a manual, you can find a number of parenting "manuals" today. We don't need to make the same mistakes with our children.
In our romantic relationships, though, we may need to think hard before we speak. What we learned in our family of origin may guide our reactions to our partners. In this way, what we've learned and seen in our family of origin could sabotage us in love.
When couples create a relationship that includes emotional safety, they foster a strong bond. You can say whatever you need to say. You don't have to act out of fear of rejection, abandonment, threats, or ridicule. Here are some examples of what is meant by "acting out". The names are fictitious, and in reality, the stories represent several couples, not just two couples.
"Pam" loves to shop. She wants to look good for her husband, and "Shawn" is proud of "Pam's" appearance. He has told her so on numerous occasions. "Shawn" is frugal. He believes his role is to ensure that the family is stable financially. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Pam" buys some of her clothing online and ships it to her office. Then, she removes the tags and brings it home as dry-cleaning.
"Shawn" is unaware of how much money "Pam" spends each month on her wardrobe. He would be very upset if he knew. He has set financial goals for the family. "Shawn" created a budget. Unfortunately, "Pam" isn't involved in managing the budget or paying the bills.She has her own credit card for which she is responsible.
"Bob", the oldest son in his family of origin, has always been the center of his family. He is handsome, smart and athletic. When he fell in love with "Lindsay", he was overjoyed. "Lindsay" went to all his softball games after work. She hosted parties for his friends, family and teammates when they moved in together. She cooked his favorite foods. "Lindsay" adored him, and "Bob" was the center of her life.
Everyone knew they would marry. They were so much in love! Two years into the marriage, "Lindsay" and "Bob" gave birth to their first child, "Ashley". Not much changed in "Bob's" life--he still played ball, went out after the games with his buddies, watched sports on TV, and worked.
Everything changed in "Lindsay's" life. She was awakened at all hours of the night with the baby. She continued to work; she continued to cook "Bob's" favorite foods and host parties. "Lindsay" was exhausted and stressed out, though. She pushed herself to be the perfect wife and mother--and nobody's perfect! She couldn't stay awake, let alone think about a sexual relationship with "Bob". She loved "Bob", but she started to wonder if she was really "in love" with "Bob".
"Bob" commented about the decline in their sex life. "Lindsay" was afraid to tell him that she wasn't sure how she felt. She didn't want to admit that she had no idea what was wrong. "Bob" was hurt at their disconnect. He began to think he wasn't attractive to his wife anymore. This affected his self-esteem.
When "Libby", a new co-worker, began noticing "Bob", he felt really good about himself again. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Libby" and "Bob" became very close friends. He started developing romantic feelings for her.
The "acting out" behaviors in these two examples are: "Bob's" emotional affair, "Pam's" spending, the withholding of information, thoughts, needs, and emotions from one's partner. In an emotionally safe relationship, no topic is off limits. You can express yourself without fear of rejection, ridicule, abandonment or threats. You don't fear a negative outcome, in other words, because you've expressed your feelings, thoughts, and/or needs in an assertive and respectful way.
Like the willow tree, a couple whose relationship includes emotional safety, can bend and flex. When difficult feelings, thoughts and needs arise, the couples can discuss these. No one is blamed, targeted, ridiculed, rejected, or abandoned. Couples in emotionally safe relationships share themselves. It's safe to do so, and this safety enables the couple to stay connected.
What do you think about the idea of emotional safety? Does your relationship include emotional safety? Please share with us your thoughts and opinions. Much love! Thanks!
No comments:
Post a Comment