Is a marriage counselor going to tell me that my partner is “right” and I’m “wrong”?

Couples counseling requires a balancing act in order to work well. If one person feels slighted or picked upon, the overall work is compromised. You don’t want to feel that the person who is supposed to be helping you is siding with your partner.

Typically, the subject that your partner and you disagree on feels crucial. Both people are bringing strong emotions to the discussion. 

For example, if you’re arguing about the frequency of sexual intimacy, one partner may feel very strongly that sex isn’t important enough to the other partner. This partner may feel rejected and undesirable as a result. 

The partner who looks like he/she is avoiding sex might be experiencing increased stress in daily life and may feel overwhelmed generally. The emotions this partner holds on a day-to-day basis can be debilitating. Is one person “right” and the other person “wrong”? No.

Both people are affected negatively by this disconnect in the relationship. The counselor might want them to talk to each other in the counseling session about their feelings on the topic, to explore the significance of sex, perhaps to even try some problem-solving around this subject. 

The counselor might help the couple build upon their knowledge of each other and their friendship. The relationship may exhibit other issues that could lead the counselor to work with the couple in building specific skills to improve the relationship. 

Additionally, do other factors exist that affect the sexual aspect of their relationship—medical problems, substance abuse, depression? These factors would need to be addressed as well.

In most cases, there is no “right” or “wrong” person. Counselors can look at the process of how the couple relates. Counselors can help couples focus on resolvable issues, rather than perpetual issues. Counselors can help couples learn new skills and improve upon existing skills.

If we can help couples transform how they relate to each other, we stand a great chance of helping couples gain the knowledge to improve their relationship and love fully.

Anita M. O’Donnell, M.Ed., LPCMH, NCC provides individual and couples counseling in Wilmington, Delaware through her company SuccessWorks Unlimited, Inc. She also offers telephonic and face-to-face coaching. Ms. O’Donnell earned her M.Ed. from Temple University in Philadelphia in 1991. She has completed Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. You can follow her at www.facebook.com/YourBestLifeToday and through her website www.successworksunltd.com.

The Winner's Brain--You Can Have One Too!

Book Review

 The Winner’s Brain:  8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success

by Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske with Liz Neporent

When I was in the ninth grade, one of my closest friends became paralyzed. None of us knew that she was in the hospital unable to walk due to an auto-immune disorder. Later, I learned that her doctors told her she would never walk again. She was an athlete. How could someone tell a 14-year-old athlete that she would be permanently paralyzed?

My friend refused to accept their prognosis. In fact, she was angry. She would not settle for anything less than the life she’d had. She would do whatever it took to ski and play tennis again—not just to walk again!

She was resilient; she was motivated. She was focused on her goal—which she did accomplish. Ultimately, she earned a tennis scholarship to college. I think she learned much from her Dad, who rose from poverty to become a multi-millionaire. I think he learned a lot from her as well!

In The Winner’s Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success, psychologist Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske, a specialist in cognitive and affective neuroscience, along with health writer Liz Neporent, detail five “Brain Power Tools” winners use. These are: Opportunity Radar, Optimal Risk Gauge, Goal Laser, Effort Accelerator, and Talent Meter. Brown and Fenske also identify eight correlating “Win Factors’ which readers can develop and hone.

Their book is peppered with real-life examples of winners, illustrating the “Brain Power Tools” and corresponding strategies or “Win Factors”: Self-Awareness, Motivation, Focus, Emotional Balance, Memory, Resilience, Adaptability, and Brain Care.

Brown and Fenske take time to explain basic neurology to the reader, as well. At times, the neuroscience information might be too much, but this is my only criticism of the book. The authors further support their ideas by citing recent research. This book is a well-written combination of science and motivational stories.

The book is instructive and inspirational—not just for self-improvement readers, but also for those with depression and anxiety. Readers might pay particular attention to the sections on meditation, exercise and sleep.

The Winner’s Brain provides a hopeful viewpoint. Winners aren’t born with all the talent, money, luck, and opportunity needed to succeed. Many have succeeded in spite of their challenging beginnings because they developed an ability to recognize an opportunity, take a chance, keep working toward the goal despite the odds, and because they knew themselves well enough to choose a goal that matched their potential.

The brain adapts and changes until death so why not take advantage of this, the authors ask. They offer exercises the reader can do to develop new strategies and improve upon one’s existing skills. Winners aren’t necessarily born with a silver spoon; each of us can make the world a better place.

A Couples Mantra: Life Is Too Brief To Argue! by Anita M. O'Donnell

You agree, right? Okay, now we’re off to a good start!

One of the problems with arguments is that fighting pulls couples apart. In all relationships, we have those issues that never seem to get resolved. You can argue again and again and again about the same thing, never reaching a suitable conclusion.

John Gottman, Ph.D. who has been researching couples since the early 1970s believes that almost 70% of the arguments couples have can’t be resolved because the issues are “perpetual”.  At best, you might agree to disagree.

Try this if you would:  Make a list of the argument topics you’ve had with your mate in the past six months. Draw a line through those arguments that were resolved. Your perpetual arguments are the leftovers on this list.

Many years ago, I worked with a couple who argued several times each week about his daughters’ bedrooms and bathroom. The new wife was unaccustomed to such a mess. The bedrooms and bathroom looked like a pig sty, she thought, and she was embarrassed to invite people over to visit. She wanted to give visitors a tour of the house, but was ashamed of her step-daughters' mess.

Her husband (the girls’ father) suggested that his daughters could close their doors. His new wife thought closed doors would only raise questions for visitors. Besides, the bottom line was that she’d know that behind the closed doors laid a mess. He was afraid his daughters would no longer feel welcome in the home where they grew up. He was uncomfortable with changing the rules for the girls now, due only to his new marriage. In other words, he didn’t agree with his new wife’s point of view.

Around and around and around they went. Each felt so hurt and angry that they forgot the love they had felt for one another. They were embroiled in a battle of “us” (the girls and their Dad) versus “her” (the new wife/stepmother). When I met them, they were defensive and critical. They spoke negatively and disrespectfully to each other.

Now, back to you--look at your list again. Because your time is too precious to waste fighting and because you want your relationship to continue, please don’t spend any more time on those perpetual arguments. Instead, focus your energy, your heart and your brain on those issues which can be resolved.

When you discuss an issue, listen with an open mind when it’s your turn to listen. Try to understand your mate’s point of view and feelings about the issue at hand. When it’s your turn to speak, explain how you feel about the issue. Don’t blame anyone for the problem. Talk about your part in the problem. What is the significance of the issue—what does it mean to you?

If your mate and you begin the discussion with negativity, you will only beget more negativity as the discussion continues.  Calm yourself down before you continue the discussion. Go take a walk, a nap, listen to some soothing music, or take a warm bath. Calm down, organize your thoughts, remember that you love this person you’re looking at very much, feel that love, and then speak. Your tone and your words are affected by your emotions.

Here’s how this might sound using the example above:

Wife:  “I’m really upset that the girls have such messy rooms. I feel responsible for them learning basic skills to help them grow up—like how to take care of your things and how to maintain personal space—especially because I’m the only woman in their lives. This is so important to me. It’s the only thing I’ve asked you for. One of the reasons I fell in love with you is that I wanted to share my life with you and the girls. I wanted us to be a family and to be happy as a family. I feel unsupported when you don’t back me up on keeping the rooms organized. I feel rejected by the girls when they go against my requests to keep their rooms clean.  I feel so hurt by this.

Husband:  “I understand that you are hurt, and I can understand better now that you’ve explained all this to me. I want to be supportive too. Even though I don’t think keeping a clean bedroom or bathroom is as important to their future as you do, I can hear how much this means to you. Now, that I understand this I think I should do more to support your dream of being a family and being a part of helping the girls grow up. I think you are being too strict at times. Maybe I’m wrong about that, though. Maybe I’m so used to raising them alone that I think you’re criticizing me and my parenting abilities when you complain about the messy bedrooms and bathroom. Maybe we can find some compromise on this too?”

Wife: “I really admire you as a father and a man. I haven’t met any other men who have done all you’ve done—raising the girls all by yourself, working, keeping a roof over their head, getting them involved in sports, and keeping up with their schoolwork. This is a big reason I feel in love with you! I never meant to criticize you as a man or a parent because I think you’re wonderful in both areas. I’m sorry I came across as being critical of you. Maybe I can work on the way I say things so my motives are clearer. I do want them to improve their housekeeping skills, though. I think it’s an important part of growing up.”

Husband: “Thank you for saying all that! I’ll work on the girls with you, if you’ll work on how you say things. I think that’s fair.”

Wife:  “Great!”

So, by moving the discussion to feelings and to the significance of the issue (being a family, being a good parent) the couple could resolve this and work together.  In reality, this couple was unable to get past their indignation. When they came to my office, they seemed contemptuous of each other.

Gottman identifies four characteristics of couples who divorce, unless they overcome those characteristics. He calls these“The Four Horsemen”, which include criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Next time, we’ll look at each one and what you can do about it!

Anita M. O'Donnell, M.Ed., LPCMH, NCC is owner of SuccessWorks Unlimited, Inc. We offer coaching and counseling services. Please visit us at www.successworksunltd.com or email us at amodonnell@successworksunltd.com. For information on our 2014 Summer Couples Retreat, please visit us at www.successworksunltd.net. Thanks!

Becoming Who You’re Meant To Be

No matter how long we live, becoming the most we can be is worthwhile. If this is our only shot at existence, why not live each day to the best of our ability?

“Becoming” requires you to awaken in the morning and ask, “what if this is my last day? How can I make my day the most valuable one?” Maintaining that level of focus challenges you.

Would you act more lovingly? Would you take a chance on a dream? Would you look at the process of your journey, rather than the obstacles in your path? Would you solve problems creatively rather than rely on the same old approaches?

Would you put healthy food into your body? Would you exercise? Would you pray? Would you act with courage?

Would you worry about the judgment of others? Would you meet strangers with an open mind and heart?  

I watched America’s Got Talent the other night. I saw three men on the show who reminded me of those in the process of “becoming”.  

One was a man whose girlfriend talked him into trying out for the competition. He had an unusual and beautiful singing voice. The audience gave him a standing ovation when he was through singing, and the judges brought his girlfriend up on stage to praise her. The man agreed with their sentiment, and he proposed marriage right there on the stage! Two big risks in one night!! 

The second man spoke of his father who gave up drinking for his son. The son sang a song he had written for his Dad. The young man who may have been 17 or so seemed quite scared as he sang his song, “It’s My Life”. It was a beautiful song, and the camera showed many people in the audience as they wiped away tears. I don’t think he’s ever sung in front of an audience before. He certainly is on his way to “becoming”, right? 

The third man was a 16-year-old magician. He came on stage in a very confident manner and did an amazing trick. When the judges voted him through to the Las Vegas phase, he cried. Apparently, he has been criticized in the past for keeping to himself and practicing his magic, but he stuck with his dream.  

Each of these men seems called to becoming the most he can be. Each took the risk—with fear in his heart—and didn’t back down from the challenge. 

You have to take chances to become the most you can be, right? The goal is worth so much! 

Years ago, I saw a man interviewed on TV, who had jumped into the water to save a life after a plane crashed at Reagan Airport. I’ll never forget him. The reporter asked the man if he had been afraid to jump into the cold water. The man said yes, he’d felt afraid, but he couldn’t let someone die. The reporter then said that people demonstrate courage when we do something “right” in spite of our fear. 

It seems to me that “becoming” requires us to act with courage in order to be the best we can be. Venturing into unknown territory is frightening. Everything may change; yet, we must venture and stay on the journey in order to become the best person we can be.

As I think about this, I see that each of us makes a choice each day: We can walk through the day—existing—until our life here finally comes to an end; or we can choose actions that lead us to becoming the best person we can be.

Which choice are you making today?

Life holds meaning for me when I can support you in your quest for success. Please stay in touch!! Thanks for reading this. Anita

 

Sticks and Stones...

Several times in the past, I’ve been scared. Each time, well-intentioned people have told me to “relax” and “take a deep breath”. I wish I could have relaxed on demand. Usually, I’m so worked up by then, that relaxing is the last thing I’m able to do! I could “take a deep breath”, but nothing ever happens. Oh not true--once I got really dizzy!

I’ve also learned through my mistakes that nothing good comes from speaking when I’m anxious. I sound angry; so no one really knows what I’m trying to say. They hear my tone, and think I’m mad at them.  I would do much better to take a few minutes to calm myself, compose my thoughts and then speak!

People generally believe you are attacking them when we use a particular tone of voice. The reaction to this tone might be "stonewalling" (Dr. John Gottman's term for withdrawing emotionally and sometimes physically), defensiveness, or a reciprocal attack.

One's intention might not be to attack, but if we come across as attacking, we need to do something different. Attacking takes us out of relationship with each other.

For effective communication to occur, we need to clarify the message we're hearing. If what we've heard isn't the intended message, the speaker can re-state their message with different body language and different words.

My mother taught me the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" when I was five years old. I thought my mom had lost her mind!

I definitely felt very hurt and wounded when a neighborhood boy repeatedly taunted me. I think he meant to hurt me, too. Eventually, I punched him in the nose, and I felt much better. No, I don't recommend that intervention to anyone! I would imagine that this man remembers that I punched him in the nose when we were little, but I'll bet he doesn't remember being mean to me. So, was that an effective intervention? No.

Resolution happens when we feel calm. "If you don't have anything positive to say, don't say it!" applies well to relationships. 

The best course of action is to slow the argument down, acknowledge that one is feeling badly and take a “time out” to calm down. When we're calm, we can try again to resolve the problem at hand.

The message here is that negativity begets more negativity. Whether we're at work, talking with a friend or interacting with our mate, speaking from respect and love work!

Keep your eyes peeled for our e-class tentatively called "Let's Stay Together". One of our modules will teach you how to achieve calm in the midst of an argument. We'd love to hear your thoughts about all this! Thanks for reading--Anita

Summer's A Good Time to Catch Your Breath and Dream A Dream Or Two

Do you remember your summers as a kid? There’s something golden and precious about those moments. 

I remember talking my little brother into selling lemonade with me.  (Only one person typically bought a glass from us, and we drank the rest!) I remember sleeping in late.

I remember going to the pool and playing cards all day with my friends. I remember that my mom would come to the swim club after working part-time and set up the grill. She would make dinner while we swam. When our dad was home from his summer job, he'd join us. I remember lying on the grass at night and staring at the stars. 

Sometimes I was bored during a summer day. The days seemed too long, too hot. We didn’t have air conditioning. My mother would tell me to read, but I wanted to play baseball. None of the other kids wanted to run around in the heat, though. (They were smart!)

Boredom was a risky mood for me. You never knew what idea I’d come up with! Looking back, my brother and my friends were such good sports! They participated in all my plans.

Even though I never have boring summer days anymore, life does seem to slow down a bit in the summer. My attitude changes, I think. The summers of my childhood swirl around my head and affect my viewpoint each summer day. 

Now, I am making new summer memories. With more daylight, I can play outside with my dog when I get home from work. My husband cooks dinner on the grill. I like to watch him driving around the yard on his favorite toy—the riding mower! We can sit on the deck after the sun sets and stare at the night sky. The stillness is soothing to me.

I seem to have more energy, too, in the summertime. I can get up easily at 5:30 in the morning. Sometimes, we ride our bikes down to the water before we begin our workday. I am never bored anymore in the summer. 

Summer’s a good time to catch your breath, to reflect upon your life and plan for the future. Summer’s a good time to dream. 

Once you’ve dreamed your dreams, you can write them down, turning the dream into a goal. You can create a written storyline that identifies steps you might take. You can identify any training that might bring you closer to your goal. You can create a list of all the people who may give you ongoing feedback, ideas, and support. Then, you can begin to contact these supporters. You can continue to fine-tune your new goal. You can envision your success! 

All of these things, you can do in the summer--when the days are longer and the stars seem brighter. Summer’s a good time!

We love to hear your story and your dreams! Please feel free to share with us. Thanks!! Anita O'D.

It’s Hard to Hate Your Best Friend

All couples disagree from time to time. Some couples argue so frequently that the anger disconnects them from each other. One day, they've forgotten what they love about each other--or even that they love each other!

John Gottman, Ph.D. says that most of the issues we argue about can’t be resolved. He calls these "perpetual" issues. If we spend our time fighting about those issues, we’ve spent a lot of negative interaction time together, haven’t we? We need positive interaction time to outweigh and get us through the negative time. 

Positive interactions build up our "emotional bank account." This reserve gets us through the rough patches in our relationship.

Gottman claims that couples need to focus on resolvable issues. Additionally, couples who build fondness and admiration develop a resiliency that helps the marriage endure.

Here are some questions you can ask about your relationship. Who is your best friend and what are your expectations of that relationship? Can you tell your best friend anything? Does your best friend “have your back”? Is your best friend honest? Would your best friend betray you? Does your best friend respect your feelings…your opinions…your needs? Would your best friend stand by you, through thick and thin?

Do you limit the information you tell your best friend? Maybe you withhold information when you know your best friend will be upset with you? If what you did affected your best friend, would you tell your best friend? Would you apologize for hurting him/her? Would you try to earn his or her forgiveness?

What kind of best friend are you? Are you non-judgmental—do you allow your best friend to be who he/she is? Do you always tell the truth? Do you make excuses for your actions? Can you admit that you’re wrong and apologize for hurting someone? Do you hide anything? Are the behaviors you choose consistent? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?

By building a strong friendship with your partner, you will find that respect comes easier. You can accept differences of opinion. Hopefully, you are secure enough to realize that you can't always have your way. You can bend and flex within the relationship. Your positive feelings can outweigh the differences.

Your best friend and you have common values, shared memories and common goals. You have fun together, and you want to continue having fun! You know each other well, and you respect each other. When all is said and done, it's hard to hate your best friend, and therein lies one of the traits needed for a lasting union.

 We’d love to hear your point of view! We can leave out your name too; just tell us to do that! Feel free to share your experiences, thoughts and opinions. Thanks!!