Sticks and Stones...

Several times in the past, I’ve been scared. Each time, well-intentioned people have told me to “relax” and “take a deep breath”. I wish I could have relaxed on demand. Usually, I’m so worked up by then, that relaxing is the last thing I’m able to do! I could “take a deep breath”, but nothing ever happens. Oh not true--once I got really dizzy!

I’ve also learned through my mistakes that nothing good comes from speaking when I’m anxious. I sound angry; so no one really knows what I’m trying to say. They hear my tone, and think I’m mad at them.  I would do much better to take a few minutes to calm myself, compose my thoughts and then speak!

People generally believe you are attacking them when we use a particular tone of voice. The reaction to this tone might be "stonewalling" (Dr. John Gottman's term for withdrawing emotionally and sometimes physically), defensiveness, or a reciprocal attack.

One's intention might not be to attack, but if we come across as attacking, we need to do something different. Attacking takes us out of relationship with each other.

For effective communication to occur, we need to clarify the message we're hearing. If what we've heard isn't the intended message, the speaker can re-state their message with different body language and different words.

My mother taught me the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" when I was five years old. I thought my mom had lost her mind!

I definitely felt very hurt and wounded when a neighborhood boy repeatedly taunted me. I think he meant to hurt me, too. Eventually, I punched him in the nose, and I felt much better. No, I don't recommend that intervention to anyone! I would imagine that this man remembers that I punched him in the nose when we were little, but I'll bet he doesn't remember being mean to me. So, was that an effective intervention? No.

Resolution happens when we feel calm. "If you don't have anything positive to say, don't say it!" applies well to relationships. 

The best course of action is to slow the argument down, acknowledge that one is feeling badly and take a “time out” to calm down. When we're calm, we can try again to resolve the problem at hand.

The message here is that negativity begets more negativity. Whether we're at work, talking with a friend or interacting with our mate, speaking from respect and love work!

Keep your eyes peeled for our e-class tentatively called "Let's Stay Together". One of our modules will teach you how to achieve calm in the midst of an argument. We'd love to hear your thoughts about all this! Thanks for reading--Anita