How Loyalty Affects Relationships

I knew a man who made sarcastic comments to his Italian-American wife on a regular basis. He loved her greatly, and he was completely unaware of how much his sarcasm hurt her. Each time she told him how he was hurting her, he would say he was "just kidding", and "can't you take a joke?" When I tried to help him explore his feelings about her Italian ancestry, I met with resistance. He had nothing against (insert the ethnic slur). 

I knew a woman who wanted to stop working and stay home to raise her children and make a "nice" home for her family. Her husband supported her desire to quit her job and manage the household. The plan was put into place, and life was great for a while. Soon, though, she began to express her expectations (which sounded more like rules)--holidays were divided in a particular way between the in-laws (just like her parents had done it);  they should eat certain foods, prepared a certain way (just like her mother had cooked them); her spouse should not work from home (men go to the office every day); chores should be done only on Saturday mornings and then the rest of the day should be spent in a family activity (just like the way she was raised). She also expressed her rules about parenting--not surprising, the parenting style was consistent with the way her parents had raised her. 

Most of us believe that loyalty is a wonderful quality, and in most cases, it is. Loyalty in a relationship, however, can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings and conflict. 

Loyalty in a relationship can be seen when couples express beliefs, expectations, opinions in a way that reflects one's family of origin and even culture, rather than the beliefs, expectations, and opinions which one has created through one's social, intellectual and moral development. 

We work so hard in adolescence and early adulthood  to discover  the answer to "who am I?". When marriage or even the birth of a child happens, we may throw our individual self out the window and fall back on our upbringing. This is the significance of loyalty in a relationship.

In the second story, the woman's loyalty to her parents, especially to her mother, is easy to see. The insistence on loyalty to family of origin brought conflict to the couple's marriage. Her spouse and she weren't creating their family traditions together. Since her husband didn't know what the expectations/rules were, he felt angry and disconnected from both the marriage and the family. 

Loyalty in the first example is much harder to see. It requires an understanding of history, in addition to an exploration of the man's family of origin.

In the early 1900s, a large wave of immigrants came to the U.S. from Italy. Willing to work cheaply because they needed income, Italians replaced Irish workers in the unskilled and low skilled labor pool. Many Irish-Americans lost the ability to feed their families, and the bad feelings toward Italians began. Perhaps it's understandable (even though not right) that some people may act cruelly toward those who have taken your livelihood away from you.

In some Irish-American families, the resentment toward Italians carried into future generations, like a low-level fever. No one remembered the origin of the anger; the negativity seemed illogical. The later generations were no longer immigrants, but American-born citizens. They were able to secure educations and good jobs. So, the pejorative comments transformed into "jokes". 

This man's loyalty to past generations of Irish-Catholics who had suffered and been discriminated against brought pain and loss of intimacy to his marriage. He personally had nothing against Italian-Americans; he loved his wife. He didn't actually believe any of the comments he made to her. 

Once he understood the part his loyalty had played in his marital problems, he no longer felt  like a bad person. The man was able to take responsibility for his part in the marital distress, ask for forgiveness and bring back that loving, compassionate man who had courted so long ago the most wonderful woman he'd ever known.

Again, the job of adolescence is to develop one's individuality, separate from our parents. Each of us grows up in a specific period of history  and culture with its own social and intellectual meanings. Staying true to our "self" or "holding onto yourself"--remaining that person you were when you first fell in love with your spouse--is an important part of keeping your marriage healthy. 

Tips to keep your "self" alive in your relationship:

• openly talk about your family of origin--what you learned from growing up in your family, how your family expressed (or didn't express) various emotions, what traditions comprised your family, etc.

• decide with your spouse what parts of your FOO you'd like to keep and which parts you'd like to let go of

• without judging, seek to understand your spouse's family of origin and how this has affected who your spouse is today and what he/she brings to the marriage

• keep (as much as is reasonable) doing the activities that contribute to your individuality

•  remember and talk often about the qualities that attracted the two of you to each other

•  create your relationship and family together and with intention.

Was this blog helpful? Please tell us what you think about this and feel free to share your experiences, thoughts, questions, and comments. Thank you! Anita O'D.