Another Way to Look at Trust

My brother shut the car door on his hand one day when he was five. I felt his pain. About a week later, he again. shut the car door on his hand. Once again, I felt his pain, and then I wondered if he had somehow forgotten how much it hurt the first time. His accident taught me to be very careful with that car door!

When the same thing happens again and again, we start to predict its recurrence. As in the example, "I've been cheated on before so I'll probably be cheated on by (this new love)." We trust that it's going to happen this time because it "always" happens.

I knew a couple once whose husband loved NCAA basketball. Every March he disconnected from her life. She could count on it--March Madness came first for this man. She could trust that given the choice to do something with her or watch a ball game this man would find a way to watch that basketball game. His bracket was riding on it! When a behavior occurs with consistency, we may "trust" that it will happen again given a set of circumstances.

Years ago, I worked with a woman (we'll call her Mary) who made up stories about what other people allegedly said. Mary would tell me that (a colleague) said some negative thing about me. Mary wanted me to get upset and say something negative about this colleague. Then, she could run to the other person and repeat what I said. Because I respected Mary professionally, I took a little while to realize what game she was playing. After two incidences, I realized what was probably going on.

I stopped reacting to Mary. Just to confirm my hunch, I approached the colleague, and told her what I'd heard. She was genuinely horrified. I knew my instincts were correct. I could trust that Mary was lying when she attributed a mean comment about me to the colleague.

I still had to work with Mary. I just didn't believe a word she said when she was speaking negatively. I also thought much of what she said in general was an exaggeration. She could never hurt me again once I trusted that she would lie to me. She could only hurt me if I believed her.

Of course, you can't choose your co-workers, but you can choose your lover. If honesty is important to you--and I believe it's an essential ingredient in an intimate relationship--you don't want to be intimate and vulnerable with someone you can trust will lie to you. Maybe you can be in a romantic relationship if you can trust that they'll pick March Madness over you, though. After all, the NCAA basketball tournament is time-limited, and nobody's perfect!

You want to choose your boundaries and let others know what those limits are; so they can decide if they can live with those expectations.

Here are some ingredients I believe are critical to intimacy:

• openness, honesty, transparency
• emotional safety
• trust
• respect
• love
• kindness
• thoughtfulness
• mutual goals
• mutual values
• mutual interests
• an ability to admit mistakes
• a desire to choose more effective behaviors
• an ability to feel regret and remorse when you've harmed others
• the ability to share.

 What will you add to this list? Let me know!! You can reach me at amodonnell@successworksunltd.com. Thanks for reading and commenting!

What You See Is What You Get

It's just no fun having 600 pounds of metal draped across your body as you lay in a parking lot! I can tell you this from personal experience.

My problem is I'm a daydreamer--one of the reasons I stopped riding a motorcycle. In riding, where you look is where the bike will take you. Look down, and down you'll go! Still, I would like to think I looked graceful when falling to the ground all those times. (I'm just trying to make myself feel better!)

Riding a motorcycle is sometimes like living life. What you see is what you get! Look at a tree, and soon you and your bike will be kissing the tree. Look down into a gutter, and that's where you'll land. Look through a curve in the highway and your bike will take you effortlessly and efficiently through the curve. Just don't lose your train of thought and stare down at the road!

In life, if you picture the worst in your mind's eye, you will act in such a way as to bring that picture to life. If you visualize love, happiness and success, you will choose behaviors that bring you love, happiness and success.When was the last time you thought something bad was going to happen and it did!

Sometimes people tell me that they "have trust issues". They've loved someone who cheated on them or left them.They've been disappointed in love. They've been hurt badly in relationships they hoped would be loving.

Here's what I know: if you're afraid to trust others, you will become overly protective of yourself. You will be guarded and not let others in. You won't allow yourself to be vulnerable. You might even be hard on others, expecting them to prove to you that they're trustworthy.

Your new relationship isn't going to work out any differently than what you've experienced in the past, I hate to say! You're a nice person, and you deserve to have a great relationship, but that's not what you're going to get.

Your eyes are the closest sense to your brain. What you "see" registers with the brain. Your brain directs your body to move accordingly. What you see is what you get.

Creating a great relationship calls for one to give trust, be open, be vulnerable--over time, that is. Yes, it seems counter-intuitive that when you're anxious about being hurt you would open your heart to someone and take a chance.

There's so much more to this topic. We'll look more closely at trust and relationships in future blogs.

What do you think? Please feel free to let me know! Also, let me know if I can share your comments, thoughts and questions with other readers. Thanks! Anita O'D.