It’s Hard to Hate Your Best Friend

All couples disagree from time to time. Some couples argue so frequently that the anger disconnects them from each other. One day, they've forgotten what they love about each other--or even that they love each other!

John Gottman, Ph.D. says that most of the issues we argue about can’t be resolved. He calls these "perpetual" issues. If we spend our time fighting about those issues, we’ve spent a lot of negative interaction time together, haven’t we? We need positive interaction time to outweigh and get us through the negative time. 

Positive interactions build up our "emotional bank account." This reserve gets us through the rough patches in our relationship.

Gottman claims that couples need to focus on resolvable issues. Additionally, couples who build fondness and admiration develop a resiliency that helps the marriage endure.

Here are some questions you can ask about your relationship. Who is your best friend and what are your expectations of that relationship? Can you tell your best friend anything? Does your best friend “have your back”? Is your best friend honest? Would your best friend betray you? Does your best friend respect your feelings…your opinions…your needs? Would your best friend stand by you, through thick and thin?

Do you limit the information you tell your best friend? Maybe you withhold information when you know your best friend will be upset with you? If what you did affected your best friend, would you tell your best friend? Would you apologize for hurting him/her? Would you try to earn his or her forgiveness?

What kind of best friend are you? Are you non-judgmental—do you allow your best friend to be who he/she is? Do you always tell the truth? Do you make excuses for your actions? Can you admit that you’re wrong and apologize for hurting someone? Do you hide anything? Are the behaviors you choose consistent? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?

By building a strong friendship with your partner, you will find that respect comes easier. You can accept differences of opinion. Hopefully, you are secure enough to realize that you can't always have your way. You can bend and flex within the relationship. Your positive feelings can outweigh the differences.

Your best friend and you have common values, shared memories and common goals. You have fun together, and you want to continue having fun! You know each other well, and you respect each other. When all is said and done, it's hard to hate your best friend, and therein lies one of the traits needed for a lasting union.

 We’d love to hear your point of view! We can leave out your name too; just tell us to do that! Feel free to share your experiences, thoughts and opinions. Thanks!!

"You're Right Dear"

My husband is a genius! Although we've been married only five years, we've survived many, many obstacles in that short time. None of these obstacles resulted from any problem in our marriage. The obstacles were created by external sources and things beyond our control (e.g., a knee replacement that was infected for two years).

I had a calm, peaceful, stable life until I married my husband. I was unaccustomed to dealing with drama in my personal life. He's got ex-wives, kids, and the debt that comes with divorce. Life was simple for me before marriage. I think this isn't uncommon in later marriages. Would I have baled out were my husband not a relationship genius? Who knows, but clearly he had practical experience that really helped!

Over the years, he has learned a technique which he has used in our marriage. This has enabled us to survive--even the two months when he had no knee and a PICC line! Whenever the drama was high, I would begin to say what "should" happen and why. My husband would invariably say, "You're right dear." Many times my critique of a situation pertained to his choices and behavior in the situation. He could have become very defensive; he could have felt attacked. Instead, he said, "You're right dear."

Those three little words told me in an instant that he respected, valued, cherished, and loved me. Each time my husband supports me he makes a deposit into our emotional bank account. These deposits have enabled us to survive the challenges we've experienced. He gives me confidence to believe we can survive anything.

John Gottman, who has conducted research on couples since 1972, calls my husband's skill "Accepting Your Partner's Influence." When your spouse and you are lost on a road trip and your spouse asks you to pull over and get directions, you accept her influence by saying, "Good idea, dear. Let me go into that store and ask for directions."

Gottman points out in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that our culture supports girls in developing the behaviors that foster relationships. We don't focus on these pro-social skills as strongly for boys.

In other words, women find it easier to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for those mistakes. We've learned that this capability furthers our connection in relationships. Men have learned that admitting a mistake gives the opponent the upper hand; taking responsibility shows guilt. The man might feel bad about himself by admitting that he's screwed up.

A few years ago, I taught a sociology class on marriage and the family. The textbook for the class reviewed current research on marriage and the family. I can sum up some of the research very easily by saying, "If mama ain't happy; ain't nobody's happy!"

Maybe you can take a moment to think about your relationship. If you're a man, think about those times when your marriage was strained (or downright rocky). What was the cause? If you're a woman, think about those times when you were resentful, stressed, unhappy. Would you say that your marriage struggled at those times?


Men: you can do exactly what my husband does. You can enable your wife to feel supported, loved, valued, respected, cherished. What issue is more important than your marriage? What issue is more important than enabling your wife to know in her heart of hearts that you cherish her and support her?

Does this mean that husbands have to suppress their own needs and desires? I don't believe so. Let's say that you want to go out with the guys each Wednesday night and your wife is having none of it. What might be her reasoning? "I don't get to go out every week with my girlfriends!" or, "I don't get to see you enough as it is!" or, "when you go out, you drink, and I don't want you to be in an accident!" Please note: in this example (which I've heard two or three times from different couples) the husband does not have a substance abuse problem.

Your response might be something like, "You're right dear. I do drink when I go out with the guys. If you're this concerned about my drinking, maybe I need to take a second look at my behavior. Maybe I don't need to drink or maybe I should arrange for a designated driver so that I don't break the law or hurt someone. I know you love me, and this is why you're upset. I love you too, and I don't want our future jeopardized by a DUI or by hurting anyone with my vehicle.

"I guess I don't believe that one or two beers over the course of an evening will hurt anyone, but just because I don't believe I'll hurt anyone doesn't mean an accident can't happen. I'm smart enough to know this. Just the same, I'd like to see the guys. I'd feel like an old married guy if I couldn't go out to the bar with them, and I want to feel young. I'm not ready to be old and settled down. Maybe we can talk more about this."

This response avoids an argument.The husband doesn't react  to his wife's objections. Talking enables them to focus on the real issue.

When you accept your partner's influence, you also make a deposit to the marriage's emotional bank account. You're building positive feelings that can help now and later. Your spouse feels valued, understood, loved, and cherished. She feels connected to you, and you've accomplished all that with three little words, "You're right dear."

Your Relationship Could Be Like a Willow Tree

The willow tree can bend and flex without breaking. It recovers from strong winds, and adapts to conditions. A strong relationship can bend and flex too because it offers "emotional safety". When your relationship offers emotional safety, you can say what you think--in a respectful way, of course--and your partner will listen. Your partner will accept what you say because you've respectfully stated your point of view, or your feelings, or your needs.

Emotional safety doesn't require your partner to agree with or even understand what you're saying. "I hear you" isn't the same as "I agree with you", right?

Your partner might say, "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure I understand. I would really like to understand because I can tell that (what you're saying) is important to you." When your partner values and cherishes you, your partner accepts your feelings, thoughts and needs. You are important, after all!

Some of us have grown up in families which didn't accept our feelings, thoughts or needs. "You're not angry," the parent might have said; or "I'll give you something to be angry about!"

"You do not think that" or "that's stupid" might be statements you heard from your parents. Maybe your parents discounted your needs by saying something like, "When I was a kid..."

We've learned a great deal about what works and what doesn't work when it comes to parenting. Although your parents may not have had a manual, you can find a number of parenting "manuals" today. We don't need to make the same mistakes with our children.

In our romantic relationships, though, we may need to think hard before we speak. What we learned in our family of origin may guide our reactions to our partners. In this way, what we've learned and seen in our family of origin could sabotage us in love.

When couples create a relationship that includes emotional safety, they foster a strong bond. You can say whatever you need to say. You don't have to act out of fear of rejection, abandonment, threats, or ridicule. Here are some examples of what is meant by "acting out". The names are fictitious, and in reality, the stories represent several couples, not just two couples.

"Pam" loves to shop. She wants to look good for her husband, and "Shawn" is proud of "Pam's" appearance. He has told her so on numerous occasions. "Shawn" is frugal. He believes his role is to ensure that the family is stable financially. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Pam" buys some of her clothing online and ships it to her office. Then, she removes the tags and brings it home as dry-cleaning.

"Shawn" is unaware of how much money "Pam" spends each month on her wardrobe. He would be very upset if he knew. He has set financial goals for the family. "Shawn" created a budget. Unfortunately, "Pam" isn't involved in managing the budget or paying the bills.She has her own credit card for which she is responsible.

"Bob", the oldest son in his family of origin, has always been the center of his family. He is handsome, smart and athletic. When he fell in love with "Lindsay", he was overjoyed. "Lindsay" went to all his softball games after work. She hosted parties for his friends, family and teammates when they moved in together. She cooked his favorite foods. "Lindsay" adored him, and "Bob" was the center of her life.

Everyone knew they would marry. They were so much in love! Two years into the marriage, "Lindsay" and "Bob" gave birth to their first child, "Ashley". Not much changed in "Bob's" life--he still played ball, went out after the games with his buddies, watched sports on TV, and worked.

Everything changed in "Lindsay's" life. She was awakened at all hours of the night with the baby. She continued to work; she continued to cook "Bob's" favorite foods and host parties. "Lindsay" was exhausted and stressed out, though. She pushed herself to be the perfect wife and mother--and nobody's perfect! She couldn't stay awake, let alone think about a sexual relationship with "Bob". She loved "Bob", but she started to wonder if she was really "in love" with "Bob".

"Bob" commented about the decline in their sex life. "Lindsay" was afraid to tell him that she wasn't sure how she felt. She didn't want to admit that she had no idea what was wrong. "Bob" was hurt at their disconnect. He began to think he wasn't attractive to his wife anymore. This affected his self-esteem.

When "Libby", a new co-worker, began noticing "Bob", he felt really good about himself again. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Libby" and "Bob" became very close friends. He started developing romantic feelings for her.

The "acting out" behaviors in these two examples are: "Bob's" emotional affair, "Pam's" spending, the withholding of information, thoughts, needs, and emotions from one's partner. In an emotionally safe relationship, no topic is off limits. You can express yourself without fear of rejection, ridicule, abandonment or threats. You don't fear a negative outcome, in other words, because you've expressed your feelings, thoughts, and/or needs in an assertive and respectful way.

Like the willow tree, a couple whose relationship includes emotional safety, can bend and flex. When difficult feelings, thoughts and needs arise, the couples can discuss these. No one is blamed, targeted, ridiculed, rejected, or abandoned. Couples in emotionally safe relationships share themselves. It's safe to do so, and this safety enables the couple to stay connected. 

What do you think about the idea of emotional safety? Does your relationship include emotional safety? Please share with us your thoughts and opinions. Much love! Thanks!

Another Way to Look at Trust

My brother shut the car door on his hand one day when he was five. I felt his pain. About a week later, he again. shut the car door on his hand. Once again, I felt his pain, and then I wondered if he had somehow forgotten how much it hurt the first time. His accident taught me to be very careful with that car door!

When the same thing happens again and again, we start to predict its recurrence. As in the example, "I've been cheated on before so I'll probably be cheated on by (this new love)." We trust that it's going to happen this time because it "always" happens.

I knew a couple once whose husband loved NCAA basketball. Every March he disconnected from her life. She could count on it--March Madness came first for this man. She could trust that given the choice to do something with her or watch a ball game this man would find a way to watch that basketball game. His bracket was riding on it! When a behavior occurs with consistency, we may "trust" that it will happen again given a set of circumstances.

Years ago, I worked with a woman (we'll call her Mary) who made up stories about what other people allegedly said. Mary would tell me that (a colleague) said some negative thing about me. Mary wanted me to get upset and say something negative about this colleague. Then, she could run to the other person and repeat what I said. Because I respected Mary professionally, I took a little while to realize what game she was playing. After two incidences, I realized what was probably going on.

I stopped reacting to Mary. Just to confirm my hunch, I approached the colleague, and told her what I'd heard. She was genuinely horrified. I knew my instincts were correct. I could trust that Mary was lying when she attributed a mean comment about me to the colleague.

I still had to work with Mary. I just didn't believe a word she said when she was speaking negatively. I also thought much of what she said in general was an exaggeration. She could never hurt me again once I trusted that she would lie to me. She could only hurt me if I believed her.

Of course, you can't choose your co-workers, but you can choose your lover. If honesty is important to you--and I believe it's an essential ingredient in an intimate relationship--you don't want to be intimate and vulnerable with someone you can trust will lie to you. Maybe you can be in a romantic relationship if you can trust that they'll pick March Madness over you, though. After all, the NCAA basketball tournament is time-limited, and nobody's perfect!

You want to choose your boundaries and let others know what those limits are; so they can decide if they can live with those expectations.

Here are some ingredients I believe are critical to intimacy:

• openness, honesty, transparency
• emotional safety
• trust
• respect
• love
• kindness
• thoughtfulness
• mutual goals
• mutual values
• mutual interests
• an ability to admit mistakes
• a desire to choose more effective behaviors
• an ability to feel regret and remorse when you've harmed others
• the ability to share.

 What will you add to this list? Let me know!! You can reach me at amodonnell@successworksunltd.com. Thanks for reading and commenting!

What You See Is What You Get

It's just no fun having 600 pounds of metal draped across your body as you lay in a parking lot! I can tell you this from personal experience.

My problem is I'm a daydreamer--one of the reasons I stopped riding a motorcycle. In riding, where you look is where the bike will take you. Look down, and down you'll go! Still, I would like to think I looked graceful when falling to the ground all those times. (I'm just trying to make myself feel better!)

Riding a motorcycle is sometimes like living life. What you see is what you get! Look at a tree, and soon you and your bike will be kissing the tree. Look down into a gutter, and that's where you'll land. Look through a curve in the highway and your bike will take you effortlessly and efficiently through the curve. Just don't lose your train of thought and stare down at the road!

In life, if you picture the worst in your mind's eye, you will act in such a way as to bring that picture to life. If you visualize love, happiness and success, you will choose behaviors that bring you love, happiness and success.When was the last time you thought something bad was going to happen and it did!

Sometimes people tell me that they "have trust issues". They've loved someone who cheated on them or left them.They've been disappointed in love. They've been hurt badly in relationships they hoped would be loving.

Here's what I know: if you're afraid to trust others, you will become overly protective of yourself. You will be guarded and not let others in. You won't allow yourself to be vulnerable. You might even be hard on others, expecting them to prove to you that they're trustworthy.

Your new relationship isn't going to work out any differently than what you've experienced in the past, I hate to say! You're a nice person, and you deserve to have a great relationship, but that's not what you're going to get.

Your eyes are the closest sense to your brain. What you "see" registers with the brain. Your brain directs your body to move accordingly. What you see is what you get.

Creating a great relationship calls for one to give trust, be open, be vulnerable--over time, that is. Yes, it seems counter-intuitive that when you're anxious about being hurt you would open your heart to someone and take a chance.

There's so much more to this topic. We'll look more closely at trust and relationships in future blogs.

What do you think? Please feel free to let me know! Also, let me know if I can share your comments, thoughts and questions with other readers. Thanks! Anita O'D.

Carve a Big Turn

It was 1999, and I was about to fall off the world. Well, not exactly. I just believed I was going to fall off the top of the world! Still, what you believe to be true is your truth, right?

Okay, so I was at the top of the largest mountain I'd ever been seen. How did I get myself into this? My legs felt like two tree trunks, glued to two horizontal sticks. I had two skinnier sticks in my hands--no help at all! I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. Could I just hang here at the top of this mountain for the rest of my life? Maybe a St. Bernard would show up and bring me a drink in time for Happy Hour!

"No!" Anna, my Australian ski instructor, said. She grinned and shook her head. I stuck my tongue out at her."You can do this, " she added.

"What gives you that idea?" I asked. This was my first time skiing out West. I was very much a beginner, and at that moment I believed I was in way over my head.

"Do you know why I love to teach women," Anna asked, and before waiting for me to make a face at her, she said. "It's because women are capable of so much more than they even realize!" This lady thinks she's so smart, I thought. Yet, in the same moment, she had me hooked. Maybe I could do this!

Maybe I could do more than I realized. Maybe I was the one who stuck myself to the side of this damn mountain in seven degree cold weather. Well, I paid for the stupid ski trip so I might as well give it a try, right?

"You know how to do this." What a good teacher; she could even read my thoughts!"Just take your time and carve big turns across the mountain." Hmmm, I actually could make a big turn! We had learned how to ski across the mountain which slowed us down and gave us more control."Ski to where I am; then you can stop, catch your breath, and when you're ready we'll go on."

Okay, Anna was a really good teacher! She cut that big mountain into small, bite-sized pieces, and gradually, I made it to the bottom. The hardest part was the first bite! To be honest, after that first segment at the top of the mountain, I had a fairly easy time of it. I could ski much better than I gave myself credit for.

Anna was right. I often think of Anna and what she taught me.In my work, I have found that men and women don't give themselves the credit they deserve. Our fear sometimes gets in our way. We lose perspective. Bumps look like mountains.

If you're willing and open, you can complete any task. Do you have a goal that challenges you? Perhaps you might break it down into small pieces, and then carve a big turn down that mountain! You are capable of so much more than you even realize! Thanks Anna!!!


What do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions, stories! Thanks! Anita

How Loyalty Affects Relationships

I knew a man who made sarcastic comments to his Italian-American wife on a regular basis. He loved her greatly, and he was completely unaware of how much his sarcasm hurt her. Each time she told him how he was hurting her, he would say he was "just kidding", and "can't you take a joke?" When I tried to help him explore his feelings about her Italian ancestry, I met with resistance. He had nothing against (insert the ethnic slur). 

I knew a woman who wanted to stop working and stay home to raise her children and make a "nice" home for her family. Her husband supported her desire to quit her job and manage the household. The plan was put into place, and life was great for a while. Soon, though, she began to express her expectations (which sounded more like rules)--holidays were divided in a particular way between the in-laws (just like her parents had done it);  they should eat certain foods, prepared a certain way (just like her mother had cooked them); her spouse should not work from home (men go to the office every day); chores should be done only on Saturday mornings and then the rest of the day should be spent in a family activity (just like the way she was raised). She also expressed her rules about parenting--not surprising, the parenting style was consistent with the way her parents had raised her. 

Most of us believe that loyalty is a wonderful quality, and in most cases, it is. Loyalty in a relationship, however, can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings and conflict. 

Loyalty in a relationship can be seen when couples express beliefs, expectations, opinions in a way that reflects one's family of origin and even culture, rather than the beliefs, expectations, and opinions which one has created through one's social, intellectual and moral development. 

We work so hard in adolescence and early adulthood  to discover  the answer to "who am I?". When marriage or even the birth of a child happens, we may throw our individual self out the window and fall back on our upbringing. This is the significance of loyalty in a relationship.

In the second story, the woman's loyalty to her parents, especially to her mother, is easy to see. The insistence on loyalty to family of origin brought conflict to the couple's marriage. Her spouse and she weren't creating their family traditions together. Since her husband didn't know what the expectations/rules were, he felt angry and disconnected from both the marriage and the family. 

Loyalty in the first example is much harder to see. It requires an understanding of history, in addition to an exploration of the man's family of origin.

In the early 1900s, a large wave of immigrants came to the U.S. from Italy. Willing to work cheaply because they needed income, Italians replaced Irish workers in the unskilled and low skilled labor pool. Many Irish-Americans lost the ability to feed their families, and the bad feelings toward Italians began. Perhaps it's understandable (even though not right) that some people may act cruelly toward those who have taken your livelihood away from you.

In some Irish-American families, the resentment toward Italians carried into future generations, like a low-level fever. No one remembered the origin of the anger; the negativity seemed illogical. The later generations were no longer immigrants, but American-born citizens. They were able to secure educations and good jobs. So, the pejorative comments transformed into "jokes". 

This man's loyalty to past generations of Irish-Catholics who had suffered and been discriminated against brought pain and loss of intimacy to his marriage. He personally had nothing against Italian-Americans; he loved his wife. He didn't actually believe any of the comments he made to her. 

Once he understood the part his loyalty had played in his marital problems, he no longer felt  like a bad person. The man was able to take responsibility for his part in the marital distress, ask for forgiveness and bring back that loving, compassionate man who had courted so long ago the most wonderful woman he'd ever known.

Again, the job of adolescence is to develop one's individuality, separate from our parents. Each of us grows up in a specific period of history  and culture with its own social and intellectual meanings. Staying true to our "self" or "holding onto yourself"--remaining that person you were when you first fell in love with your spouse--is an important part of keeping your marriage healthy. 

Tips to keep your "self" alive in your relationship:

• openly talk about your family of origin--what you learned from growing up in your family, how your family expressed (or didn't express) various emotions, what traditions comprised your family, etc.

• decide with your spouse what parts of your FOO you'd like to keep and which parts you'd like to let go of

• without judging, seek to understand your spouse's family of origin and how this has affected who your spouse is today and what he/she brings to the marriage

• keep (as much as is reasonable) doing the activities that contribute to your individuality

•  remember and talk often about the qualities that attracted the two of you to each other

•  create your relationship and family together and with intention.

Was this blog helpful? Please tell us what you think about this and feel free to share your experiences, thoughts, questions, and comments. Thank you! Anita O'D.