Couples
counseling requires a balancing act in order to work well. If one person feels
slighted or picked upon, the overall work is compromised. You don’t want to feel
that the person who is supposed to be helping you is siding with your partner.
Typically,
the subject that your partner and you disagree on feels crucial. Both people are
bringing strong emotions to the discussion.
For example, if you’re arguing about
the frequency of sexual intimacy, one partner may feel very strongly that sex
isn’t important enough to the other partner. This partner may feel rejected and
undesirable as a result.
The partner who looks like he/she is avoiding sex
might be experiencing increased stress in daily life and may feel overwhelmed
generally. The emotions this partner holds on a day-to-day basis can be debilitating.
Is one person “right” and the other person “wrong”? No.
Both people
are affected negatively by this disconnect in the relationship. The counselor
might want them to talk to each other in the counseling session about their
feelings on the topic, to explore the significance of sex, perhaps to even try
some problem-solving around this subject.
The counselor might help the couple
build upon their knowledge of each other and their friendship. The relationship
may exhibit other issues that could lead the counselor to work with the couple
in building specific skills to improve the relationship.
Additionally, do other
factors exist that affect the sexual aspect of their relationship—medical
problems, substance abuse, depression? These factors would need to be addressed
as well.
In most
cases, there is no “right” or “wrong” person. Counselors can look at the
process of how the couple relates. Counselors can help couples focus on
resolvable issues, rather than perpetual issues. Counselors can help couples
learn new skills and improve upon existing skills.
If we can
help couples transform how they
relate to each other, we stand a great chance of helping couples gain the
knowledge to improve their relationship and love fully.
Anita M.
O’Donnell, M.Ed., LPCMH, NCC provides individual and couples counseling in
Wilmington, Delaware through her company SuccessWorks
Unlimited, Inc. She
also offers telephonic and face-to-face coaching. Ms. O’Donnell earned her
M.Ed. from Temple University in Philadelphia in 1991. She has completed Level 3
Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. You can follow her at www.facebook.com/YourBestLifeToday
and through her website www.successworksunltd.com.
