My husband is a genius! Although we've been married only five years, we've survived many, many obstacles in that short time. None of these obstacles resulted from any problem in our marriage. The obstacles were created by external sources and things beyond our control (e.g., a knee replacement that was infected for two years).
I had a calm, peaceful, stable life until I married my husband. I was unaccustomed to dealing with drama in my personal life. He's got ex-wives, kids, and the debt that comes with divorce. Life was simple for me before marriage. I think this isn't uncommon in later marriages. Would I have baled out were my husband not a relationship genius? Who knows, but clearly he had practical experience that really helped!
Over the years, he has learned a technique which he has used in our marriage. This has enabled us to survive--even the two months when he had no knee and a PICC line! Whenever the drama was high, I would begin to say what "should" happen and why. My husband would invariably say, "You're right dear." Many times my critique of a situation pertained to his choices and behavior in the situation. He could have become very defensive; he could have felt attacked. Instead, he said, "You're right dear."
Those three little words told me in an instant that he respected, valued, cherished, and loved me. Each time my husband supports me he makes a deposit into our emotional bank account. These deposits have enabled us to survive the challenges we've experienced. He gives me confidence to believe we can survive anything.
John Gottman, who has conducted research on couples since 1972, calls my husband's skill "Accepting Your Partner's Influence." When your spouse and you are lost on a road trip and your spouse asks you to pull over and get directions, you accept her influence by saying, "Good idea, dear. Let me go into that store and ask for directions."
Gottman points out in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that our culture supports girls in developing the behaviors that foster relationships. We don't focus on these pro-social skills as strongly for boys.
In other words, women find it easier to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for those mistakes. We've learned that this capability furthers our connection in relationships. Men have learned that admitting a mistake gives the opponent the upper hand; taking responsibility shows guilt. The man might feel bad about himself by admitting that he's screwed up.
A few years ago, I taught a sociology class on marriage and the family. The textbook for the class reviewed current research on marriage and the family. I can sum up some of the research very easily by saying, "If mama ain't happy; ain't nobody's happy!"
Maybe you can take a moment to think about your relationship. If you're a man, think about those times when your marriage was strained (or downright rocky). What was the cause? If you're a woman, think about those times when you were resentful, stressed, unhappy. Would you say that your marriage struggled at those times?
Men: you can do exactly what my husband does. You can enable your wife to feel supported, loved, valued, respected, cherished. What issue is more important than your marriage? What issue is more important than enabling your wife to know in her heart of hearts that you cherish her and support her?
Does this mean that husbands have to suppress their own needs and desires? I don't believe so. Let's say that you want to go out with the guys each Wednesday night and your wife is having none of it. What might be her reasoning? "I don't get to go out every week with my girlfriends!" or, "I don't get to see you enough as it is!" or, "when you go out, you drink, and I don't want you to be in an accident!" Please note: in this example (which I've heard two or three times from different couples) the husband does not have a substance abuse problem.
Your response might be something like, "You're right dear. I do drink when I go out with the guys. If you're this concerned about my drinking, maybe I need to take a second look at my behavior. Maybe I don't need to drink or maybe I should arrange for a designated driver so that I don't break the law or hurt someone. I know you love me, and this is why you're upset. I love you too, and I don't want our future jeopardized by a DUI or by hurting anyone with my vehicle.
"I guess I don't believe that one or two beers over the course of an evening will hurt anyone, but just because I don't believe I'll hurt anyone doesn't mean an accident can't happen. I'm smart enough to know this. Just the same, I'd like to see the guys. I'd feel like an old married guy if I couldn't go out to the bar with them, and I want to feel young. I'm not ready to be old and settled down. Maybe we can talk more about this."
This response avoids an argument.The husband doesn't react to his wife's objections. Talking enables them to focus on the real issue.
When you accept your partner's influence, you also make a deposit to the marriage's emotional bank account. You're building positive feelings that can help now and later. Your spouse feels valued, understood, loved, and cherished. She feels connected to you, and you've accomplished all that with three little words, "You're right dear."
Friday, April 19, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Your Relationship Could Be Like a Willow Tree
The willow tree can bend and flex without breaking. It recovers from strong winds, and adapts to conditions. A strong relationship can bend and flex too because it offers "emotional safety". When your relationship offers emotional safety, you can say what you think--in a respectful way, of course--and your partner will listen. Your partner will accept what you say because you've respectfully stated your point of view, or your feelings, or your needs.
Emotional safety doesn't require your partner to agree with or even understand what you're saying. "I hear you" isn't the same as "I agree with you", right?
Your partner might say, "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure I understand. I would really like to understand because I can tell that (what you're saying) is important to you." When your partner values and cherishes you, your partner accepts your feelings, thoughts and needs. You are important, after all!
Some of us have grown up in families which didn't accept our feelings, thoughts or needs. "You're not angry," the parent might have said; or "I'll give you something to be angry about!"
"You do not think that" or "that's stupid" might be statements you heard from your parents. Maybe your parents discounted your needs by saying something like, "When I was a kid..."
We've learned a great deal about what works and what doesn't work when it comes to parenting. Although your parents may not have had a manual, you can find a number of parenting "manuals" today. We don't need to make the same mistakes with our children.
In our romantic relationships, though, we may need to think hard before we speak. What we learned in our family of origin may guide our reactions to our partners. In this way, what we've learned and seen in our family of origin could sabotage us in love.
When couples create a relationship that includes emotional safety, they foster a strong bond. You can say whatever you need to say. You don't have to act out of fear of rejection, abandonment, threats, or ridicule. Here are some examples of what is meant by "acting out". The names are fictitious, and in reality, the stories represent several couples, not just two couples.
"Pam" loves to shop. She wants to look good for her husband, and "Shawn" is proud of "Pam's" appearance. He has told her so on numerous occasions. "Shawn" is frugal. He believes his role is to ensure that the family is stable financially. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Pam" buys some of her clothing online and ships it to her office. Then, she removes the tags and brings it home as dry-cleaning.
"Shawn" is unaware of how much money "Pam" spends each month on her wardrobe. He would be very upset if he knew. He has set financial goals for the family. "Shawn" created a budget. Unfortunately, "Pam" isn't involved in managing the budget or paying the bills.She has her own credit card for which she is responsible.
"Bob", the oldest son in his family of origin, has always been the center of his family. He is handsome, smart and athletic. When he fell in love with "Lindsay", he was overjoyed. "Lindsay" went to all his softball games after work. She hosted parties for his friends, family and teammates when they moved in together. She cooked his favorite foods. "Lindsay" adored him, and "Bob" was the center of her life.
Everyone knew they would marry. They were so much in love! Two years into the marriage, "Lindsay" and "Bob" gave birth to their first child, "Ashley". Not much changed in "Bob's" life--he still played ball, went out after the games with his buddies, watched sports on TV, and worked.
Everything changed in "Lindsay's" life. She was awakened at all hours of the night with the baby. She continued to work; she continued to cook "Bob's" favorite foods and host parties. "Lindsay" was exhausted and stressed out, though. She pushed herself to be the perfect wife and mother--and nobody's perfect! She couldn't stay awake, let alone think about a sexual relationship with "Bob". She loved "Bob", but she started to wonder if she was really "in love" with "Bob".
"Bob" commented about the decline in their sex life. "Lindsay" was afraid to tell him that she wasn't sure how she felt. She didn't want to admit that she had no idea what was wrong. "Bob" was hurt at their disconnect. He began to think he wasn't attractive to his wife anymore. This affected his self-esteem.
When "Libby", a new co-worker, began noticing "Bob", he felt really good about himself again. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Libby" and "Bob" became very close friends. He started developing romantic feelings for her.
The "acting out" behaviors in these two examples are: "Bob's" emotional affair, "Pam's" spending, the withholding of information, thoughts, needs, and emotions from one's partner. In an emotionally safe relationship, no topic is off limits. You can express yourself without fear of rejection, ridicule, abandonment or threats. You don't fear a negative outcome, in other words, because you've expressed your feelings, thoughts, and/or needs in an assertive and respectful way.
Like the willow tree, a couple whose relationship includes emotional safety, can bend and flex. When difficult feelings, thoughts and needs arise, the couples can discuss these. No one is blamed, targeted, ridiculed, rejected, or abandoned. Couples in emotionally safe relationships share themselves. It's safe to do so, and this safety enables the couple to stay connected.
What do you think about the idea of emotional safety? Does your relationship include emotional safety? Please share with us your thoughts and opinions. Much love! Thanks!
Emotional safety doesn't require your partner to agree with or even understand what you're saying. "I hear you" isn't the same as "I agree with you", right?
Your partner might say, "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure I understand. I would really like to understand because I can tell that (what you're saying) is important to you." When your partner values and cherishes you, your partner accepts your feelings, thoughts and needs. You are important, after all!
Some of us have grown up in families which didn't accept our feelings, thoughts or needs. "You're not angry," the parent might have said; or "I'll give you something to be angry about!"
"You do not think that" or "that's stupid" might be statements you heard from your parents. Maybe your parents discounted your needs by saying something like, "When I was a kid..."
We've learned a great deal about what works and what doesn't work when it comes to parenting. Although your parents may not have had a manual, you can find a number of parenting "manuals" today. We don't need to make the same mistakes with our children.
In our romantic relationships, though, we may need to think hard before we speak. What we learned in our family of origin may guide our reactions to our partners. In this way, what we've learned and seen in our family of origin could sabotage us in love.
When couples create a relationship that includes emotional safety, they foster a strong bond. You can say whatever you need to say. You don't have to act out of fear of rejection, abandonment, threats, or ridicule. Here are some examples of what is meant by "acting out". The names are fictitious, and in reality, the stories represent several couples, not just two couples.
"Pam" loves to shop. She wants to look good for her husband, and "Shawn" is proud of "Pam's" appearance. He has told her so on numerous occasions. "Shawn" is frugal. He believes his role is to ensure that the family is stable financially. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Pam" buys some of her clothing online and ships it to her office. Then, she removes the tags and brings it home as dry-cleaning.
"Shawn" is unaware of how much money "Pam" spends each month on her wardrobe. He would be very upset if he knew. He has set financial goals for the family. "Shawn" created a budget. Unfortunately, "Pam" isn't involved in managing the budget or paying the bills.She has her own credit card for which she is responsible.
"Bob", the oldest son in his family of origin, has always been the center of his family. He is handsome, smart and athletic. When he fell in love with "Lindsay", he was overjoyed. "Lindsay" went to all his softball games after work. She hosted parties for his friends, family and teammates when they moved in together. She cooked his favorite foods. "Lindsay" adored him, and "Bob" was the center of her life.
Everyone knew they would marry. They were so much in love! Two years into the marriage, "Lindsay" and "Bob" gave birth to their first child, "Ashley". Not much changed in "Bob's" life--he still played ball, went out after the games with his buddies, watched sports on TV, and worked.
Everything changed in "Lindsay's" life. She was awakened at all hours of the night with the baby. She continued to work; she continued to cook "Bob's" favorite foods and host parties. "Lindsay" was exhausted and stressed out, though. She pushed herself to be the perfect wife and mother--and nobody's perfect! She couldn't stay awake, let alone think about a sexual relationship with "Bob". She loved "Bob", but she started to wonder if she was really "in love" with "Bob".
"Bob" commented about the decline in their sex life. "Lindsay" was afraid to tell him that she wasn't sure how she felt. She didn't want to admit that she had no idea what was wrong. "Bob" was hurt at their disconnect. He began to think he wasn't attractive to his wife anymore. This affected his self-esteem.
When "Libby", a new co-worker, began noticing "Bob", he felt really good about himself again. (You can see where this is going, right?) "Libby" and "Bob" became very close friends. He started developing romantic feelings for her.
The "acting out" behaviors in these two examples are: "Bob's" emotional affair, "Pam's" spending, the withholding of information, thoughts, needs, and emotions from one's partner. In an emotionally safe relationship, no topic is off limits. You can express yourself without fear of rejection, ridicule, abandonment or threats. You don't fear a negative outcome, in other words, because you've expressed your feelings, thoughts, and/or needs in an assertive and respectful way.
Like the willow tree, a couple whose relationship includes emotional safety, can bend and flex. When difficult feelings, thoughts and needs arise, the couples can discuss these. No one is blamed, targeted, ridiculed, rejected, or abandoned. Couples in emotionally safe relationships share themselves. It's safe to do so, and this safety enables the couple to stay connected.
What do you think about the idea of emotional safety? Does your relationship include emotional safety? Please share with us your thoughts and opinions. Much love! Thanks!
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