Is a marriage counselor going to tell me that my partner is “right” and I’m “wrong”?

Couples counseling requires a balancing act in order to work well. If one person feels slighted or picked upon, the overall work is compromised. You don’t want to feel that the person who is supposed to be helping you is siding with your partner.

Typically, the subject that your partner and you disagree on feels crucial. Both people are bringing strong emotions to the discussion. 

For example, if you’re arguing about the frequency of sexual intimacy, one partner may feel very strongly that sex isn’t important enough to the other partner. This partner may feel rejected and undesirable as a result. 

The partner who looks like he/she is avoiding sex might be experiencing increased stress in daily life and may feel overwhelmed generally. The emotions this partner holds on a day-to-day basis can be debilitating. Is one person “right” and the other person “wrong”? No.

Both people are affected negatively by this disconnect in the relationship. The counselor might want them to talk to each other in the counseling session about their feelings on the topic, to explore the significance of sex, perhaps to even try some problem-solving around this subject. 

The counselor might help the couple build upon their knowledge of each other and their friendship. The relationship may exhibit other issues that could lead the counselor to work with the couple in building specific skills to improve the relationship. 

Additionally, do other factors exist that affect the sexual aspect of their relationship—medical problems, substance abuse, depression? These factors would need to be addressed as well.

In most cases, there is no “right” or “wrong” person. Counselors can look at the process of how the couple relates. Counselors can help couples focus on resolvable issues, rather than perpetual issues. Counselors can help couples learn new skills and improve upon existing skills.

If we can help couples transform how they relate to each other, we stand a great chance of helping couples gain the knowledge to improve their relationship and love fully.

Anita M. O’Donnell, M.Ed., LPCMH, NCC provides individual and couples counseling in Wilmington, Delaware through her company SuccessWorks Unlimited, Inc. She also offers telephonic and face-to-face coaching. Ms. O’Donnell earned her M.Ed. from Temple University in Philadelphia in 1991. She has completed Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. You can follow her at www.facebook.com/YourBestLifeToday and through her website www.successworksunltd.com.

The Winner's Brain--You Can Have One Too!

Book Review

 The Winner’s Brain:  8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success

by Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske with Liz Neporent

When I was in the ninth grade, one of my closest friends became paralyzed. None of us knew that she was in the hospital unable to walk due to an auto-immune disorder. Later, I learned that her doctors told her she would never walk again. She was an athlete. How could someone tell a 14-year-old athlete that she would be permanently paralyzed?

My friend refused to accept their prognosis. In fact, she was angry. She would not settle for anything less than the life she’d had. She would do whatever it took to ski and play tennis again—not just to walk again!

She was resilient; she was motivated. She was focused on her goal—which she did accomplish. Ultimately, she earned a tennis scholarship to college. I think she learned much from her Dad, who rose from poverty to become a multi-millionaire. I think he learned a lot from her as well!

In The Winner’s Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success, psychologist Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske, a specialist in cognitive and affective neuroscience, along with health writer Liz Neporent, detail five “Brain Power Tools” winners use. These are: Opportunity Radar, Optimal Risk Gauge, Goal Laser, Effort Accelerator, and Talent Meter. Brown and Fenske also identify eight correlating “Win Factors’ which readers can develop and hone.

Their book is peppered with real-life examples of winners, illustrating the “Brain Power Tools” and corresponding strategies or “Win Factors”: Self-Awareness, Motivation, Focus, Emotional Balance, Memory, Resilience, Adaptability, and Brain Care.

Brown and Fenske take time to explain basic neurology to the reader, as well. At times, the neuroscience information might be too much, but this is my only criticism of the book. The authors further support their ideas by citing recent research. This book is a well-written combination of science and motivational stories.

The book is instructive and inspirational—not just for self-improvement readers, but also for those with depression and anxiety. Readers might pay particular attention to the sections on meditation, exercise and sleep.

The Winner’s Brain provides a hopeful viewpoint. Winners aren’t born with all the talent, money, luck, and opportunity needed to succeed. Many have succeeded in spite of their challenging beginnings because they developed an ability to recognize an opportunity, take a chance, keep working toward the goal despite the odds, and because they knew themselves well enough to choose a goal that matched their potential.

The brain adapts and changes until death so why not take advantage of this, the authors ask. They offer exercises the reader can do to develop new strategies and improve upon one’s existing skills. Winners aren’t necessarily born with a silver spoon; each of us can make the world a better place.