You agree, right? Okay, now we’re off to a good start!
One of the problems with arguments is that fighting pulls
couples apart. In all relationships, we have those issues that never seem to
get resolved. You can argue again and again and again about the same thing, never
reaching a suitable conclusion.
John Gottman, Ph.D. who has been researching couples since
the early 1970s believes that almost 70% of the arguments couples have can’t be
resolved because the issues are “perpetual”. At best, you might agree to disagree.
Try this if you would:
Make a list of the argument topics you’ve had with your mate in the past
six months. Draw a line through those arguments that were resolved. Your
perpetual arguments are the leftovers on this list.
Many years ago, I worked with a couple who argued several
times each week about his daughters’ bedrooms and bathroom. The new wife
was unaccustomed to such a mess. The bedrooms and bathroom looked like a pig
sty, she thought, and she was embarrassed to invite people over to visit. She
wanted to give visitors a tour of the house, but was ashamed of her
step-daughters' mess.
Her husband (the girls’ father) suggested that his daughters
could close their doors. His new wife thought closed doors would only
raise questions for visitors. Besides, the bottom line was that she’d know that
behind the closed doors laid a mess. He was afraid his daughters would no
longer feel welcome in the home where they grew up. He was uncomfortable with
changing the rules for the girls now, due only to his new marriage. In other
words, he didn’t agree with his new wife’s point of view.
Around and around and around they went. Each felt so hurt
and angry that they forgot the love they had felt for one another. They were
embroiled in a battle of “us” (the girls and their Dad) versus “her” (the new
wife/stepmother). When I met them, they were defensive and critical. They spoke
negatively and disrespectfully to each other.
Now, back to you--look at your list again. Because your time
is too precious to waste fighting and because you want your relationship to
continue, please don’t spend any more time on those perpetual arguments. Instead,
focus your energy, your heart and your brain on those issues which can be resolved.
When you discuss an issue, listen with an open mind when
it’s your turn to listen. Try to understand your mate’s point of view and
feelings about the issue at hand. When it’s your turn to speak, explain how you
feel about the issue. Don’t blame anyone for the problem. Talk about your part
in the problem. What is the significance of the issue—what does it mean to you?
If your mate and you begin the discussion with negativity,
you will only beget more negativity as the discussion continues. Calm yourself down before you continue the
discussion. Go take a walk, a nap, listen to some soothing music, or take a
warm bath. Calm down, organize your thoughts, remember that you love this
person you’re looking at very much, feel that love, and then speak. Your tone
and your words are affected by your emotions.
Here’s how this might sound using the example above:
Wife: “I’m really
upset that the girls have such messy rooms. I feel responsible for them
learning basic skills to help them grow up—like how to take care of your things
and how to maintain personal space—especially because I’m the only woman in
their lives. This is so important to me. It’s the only thing I’ve asked you
for. One of the reasons I fell in love with you is that I wanted to share my
life with you and the girls. I wanted us to be a family and to be happy as a
family. I feel unsupported when you don’t back me up on keeping the rooms
organized. I feel rejected by the girls when they go against my requests to
keep their rooms clean. I feel so hurt
by this.
Husband: “I
understand that you are hurt, and I can understand better now that you’ve
explained all this to me. I want to be supportive too. Even though I don’t
think keeping a clean bedroom or bathroom is as important to their future as
you do, I can hear how much this means to you. Now, that I understand this I
think I should do more to support your dream of being a family and being a part
of helping the girls grow up. I think you are being too strict at times. Maybe
I’m wrong about that, though. Maybe I’m so used to raising them alone that I
think you’re criticizing me and my parenting abilities when you complain about
the messy bedrooms and bathroom. Maybe we can find some compromise on this
too?”
Wife: “I really admire you as a father and a man. I haven’t
met any other men who have done all you’ve done—raising the girls all by
yourself, working, keeping a roof over their head, getting them involved in
sports, and keeping up with their schoolwork. This is a big reason I feel in love
with you! I never meant to criticize you as a man or a parent because I think
you’re wonderful in both areas. I’m sorry I came across as being critical of
you. Maybe I can work on the way I say things so my motives are clearer. I do
want them to improve their housekeeping skills, though. I think it’s an
important part of growing up.”
Husband: “Thank you for saying all that! I’ll work on the
girls with you, if you’ll work on how you say things. I think that’s fair.”
Wife: “Great!”
So, by moving the discussion to feelings and to the
significance of the issue (being a family, being a good parent) the couple
could resolve this and work together. In
reality, this couple was unable to get past their indignation. When they came
to my office, they seemed contemptuous of each other.
Gottman identifies four characteristics of couples who
divorce, unless they overcome those characteristics. He calls these“The Four
Horsemen”, which include criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling,
and contempt. Next time, we’ll look at each one and what you can do about it!
Anita M. O'Donnell, M.Ed., LPCMH, NCC is owner of SuccessWorks Unlimited, Inc. We offer coaching and counseling services. Please visit us at www.successworksunltd.com or email us at amodonnell@successworksunltd.com. For information on our 2014 Summer Couples Retreat, please visit us at www.successworksunltd.net. Thanks!
